I don’t know how many of you out there struggle with this issue, but I know in my own life. . .I grew up feeling like I wasn’t worth sh*t. Of course this wasn’t anyone’s fault really. I came from a good home, but I always struggled with my relationship with my dad.
My dad was a typical perfectionist. His family routinely would remind me that I was “getting fat” or that I had “gained weight” when I entered puberty. Unfortunately for me I got wider before I got tall and that was a big issue in my family for some reason. You see my dad’s side of the family were all super tall and thin and could eat literally buckets full of food and never gain weight. And although I was tall for my age, I seemed to have inherited my mother’s metabolism. I gained weight easily and it was a struggle to loose it.
Long story short, I remember purchasing my very first diet book called “Count Calories, Because Calories Count” at the ripe old age of 11. It was in 5th grade that I decided that in order to gain approval and attention from my father (and also from the boys in my class), that I needed to be thin and pretty. And at that stage of life, I was entering puberty and was well entrenched in my “ugly duckling” phase.
I clearly recall limiting myself to 900 calories a day. I remember being hungry but also so despondent and starved for love and attention that the trade off was worth it. Even though I was actually at a healthy weight of 102 lbs for my 5’3″ frame at the time, all my friends were shorter and smaller that I was. I always felt HUGE. They all weighed around 80 lbs or so so naturally I felt like I was ridiculously obese. I came to the conclusion that I was way too big. Too tall and too fat.
This belief carried with me into high school where I began ritualistic eating habits. I literally ate the same thing for lunch every day for 4 years. A pack of wheat crackers and a carton of apple cider. I would come home and binge on whatever I could get my hands on then secretly go in the bathroom and vomit all up. This went on for most of high school until my mom caught me in the act. Of course then I simply learned other ways to purge so I could get away with “getting rid” of what I ingested. Like over exercising. I would spend hours in my room “working out”. I would run for miles. I would work out for 6 hours a day all in an attempt to shed my “fat”.
Needless to say, I became well entrenched in my eating disorder and it was a constant companion in my life. I went to therapy, went to rehab, spent time in partial hospitalization programs, even inpatient therapy. . .nothing really broke through to me in a way that made me feel like I was ever able to find value within myself rather than from others opinions of me (or what I THOUGHT their opinions of me were).
Sooo where does that leave me now and why am I even telling you this story???
Honestly, I had a bit of an epiphany. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I met a man who I fell deeply in love with. who I KNEW was THE ONE. The guy who I had always dreamed of, who swept me off my feet and made me feel like I was living a fairy tale. Unfortunately. . he also recognized that I had a serious worthiness issue. I remember so clearly the day he looked at me and said, “I don’t know how on Earth I’m supposed to be able to love you when you don’t even love yourself”.
BOOM. . .Mic Drop. . .
I was devastated. I couldn’t bear the thought of loosing him. And yet at the same time, something inside me shifted. I realized he was 100% right. He couldn’t fully love me. . .because I didn’t love me. I wasn’t ALLOWING him to love me. Mainly because so much of my time was spent deflecting his compliments, complaining about my body, making statements about how fat I was all the time. And to him. . . it was getting old. I look back and realize how hard it must have been for him dealing with my psychotic sense of self loathing.
In short. . .I realized I needed to make a change. Except I had no conceivable idea as to how that would happen.
Then the Universe stepped in.
I remember sitting on my bed writing in my journal literally begging God to show me how to fix my life. And poof. . .just like that. . .I experienced a miracle!! I was overwhelmed by this incredible presence. An energy that surrounded and enveloped me. It was SO intense!! I felt embraced and cocooned in warmth and intense love and compassion. I really can’t even describe it other than to say I KNEW it was an Angel. I heard him speak to me of love and peace. Of how I am incredibly loved beyond measure. How I am perfect in God’s eyes. How I am divinely and wonderfully made.
All I can tell you is that I fell to me knees sobbing. I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of that unconditional love. It was powerful. Inescapable. And above all else I knew it to be true.
So here I am today. A changed woman. I know who I am. Because of that experience, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that we are SO MUCH MORE than just our experiences here on Earth. We are DIVINE. We are ALL children of the Creator. Call it Source, The Universe, God. . whatever floats your boat. The point is. . we are here for a reason. We have purpose. We are divine emanations of Source and we are here to experience learn and grow as souls. We are infinite spiritual beings here having a human experience for a little while. We are SO much more than our bodies and minds!
This changed everything for me. I finally was able to step into that space of allowing and grace.
Eventually I learned to love and accept myself. I’m not going to tell you it was easy. I still struggle with it from time to time. But I have that wisdom and truth to hold onto now. and I want that for you too!
We are ALL here for a reason. We CHOSE to be here. Incarnate on this Earth in this 3D dimension. We are here to learn and grow as a soul. To uplift others. To be of service to humanity. To share our gifts with the world while playing and creating as divine beings.
So my message to you is this . . .YOU ARE DIVINE!!! You are LOVED!! You are INFINITE!!! And above all else, in spite of what the world may have taught you. . .YOU ARE WORTHY!!!
You are MORE than enough. God doesn’t make mistakes. You are here for a reason. And I would love to help you uncover that for yourself. Please connect with me though my web site. I’m here to help you step into your divine power. To lift you up and help you connect to your soul. You are my sister. My friend. . .and you are LOVED.
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